From distance to dialogue: what happens when we climb out of our trenches

"...Time and again, we find ourselves back in the trenches. All too easily we forget that the other guy, a hundred yards away, is just like us. Time and again, we fire at one another from a distance - through social media or online forums, from the safety of wherever we're holed up. We let fear, ignorance, suspicion and stereotypes be our guides, making generalisations about people we've never met." 

(Rutger Bregman, Humankind)

I recently finished this wonderful, perspective changing book. One of the many uplifting stories of hope and humanity Bregman tells is the story of the Christmas truce of 1914, when English and German soldiers came out of their trenches to sing Carols together, to play football, to exchange gifts, to drink and smoke together.

Most of the conflicts I mediate have escalated due to distance. The parties have been fearful of speaking to each other because of layer upon layer of assumptions they have made about the other. So they have stayed in their trenches, firing emails, whatsapp messages and formal complaints at each other. And this firing from a distance provokes counter-fire or avoidance, which confirms their worst fears and suspicions and causes them to dig deeper into their trenches.

When I bring parties out of their trenches, to come face to face with their imagined enemy, they realise - often with feelings of shame, sadness and deep regret, as well as relief - that the other person is human. That they have suffered too. That they have also been too scared, suspicious, insecure to come out of their trench. That they hadn’t intended to injure and hurt.

There is such tragic waste in this cycle of mistrust. Months, sometimes years, are wasted in attacking and avoiding each other, in misjudging and dehumanising each other. Months and years of pain, anger, fear, despair that could have been avoided. Missed opportunities for connection, kindness, collaboration, support.

The turning point in mediation is usually when parties realise they have misjudged the other person. At this point, the mediation shifts from emotive, past-focused communication towards creative, future-focused problem-solving. How can we support each other in future? How can we start thinking the best of each other rather than assuming the worst? How will we talk to each other about problems in future?

Most of us are holed up at home still. Firing off emails or whatsapp messages is even easier - and arguably more harmful - than before Covid. Remote working means we can’t see our colleague’s reaction. We don’t pass them in the corridor anymore. We can avoid them for longer periods. Distance fuels fear and mistrust.

Every conflict that escalates to the point of breakdown in trust and communication does so because of an absence of courageous challenge. Colleagues get drawn into the conflict or try to avoid it completely. Corridor conversations, gossip and hearsay become the norm. Managers and leaders are worried about making things worse, so they either bury their heads in the sand or pursue formal action, which is another form of avoidance as it avoids face-to-face dialogue.

I believe the most important thing a leader, manager or colleague can do, when we see people retreating to their trenches, is to courageously challenge. When we hear someone talking about the other person, to encourage them to try talking to them instead. To encourage them towards dialogue.

When we’re in our trenches, fear and mistrust distorts our sense of perspective. We perceive threat everywhere. What we need is someone to help us to see a different perspective, to help us consider our options. What we don’t need is for others to bolster us in our entrenched position through sympathy or validation of our (probably distorted) perceptions. 

Talking to the person we distrust is often the last thing we consider doing. One party to a conflict said to me last week: "I've got 3 options: Leave, take it or fight." The fourth option - dialogue - is often so far from people’s minds. And yet it is so simple, so natural, and so effective.

Mediation goes beyond bringing parties out of their trenches to meet in the middle, in no man’s land. As with the soldiers on Christmas Eve 1914, the real change comes when the parties move towards the other person’s trench, and even step into the other’s trench. And afterwards invite the other into their own trench. This exercise in courageous empathy and vulnerability is risky and uncomfortable. But it teaches them about the other’s unique feelings, fears, perspectives, opinions, needs. They become curious instead of assuming. They learn how it feels to be in this particular trench at this moment, why the other person is there, what scares them about coming out of the trench, what helps them to step out of it, how the other trench looks from here. And much more. It is this courageous vulnerability and empathy that transforms perceptions and relationships and that breaks the cycle of mistrust.

As Bregman says, “...there’s an alternative. Hatred can be transformed into friendship and bitter foes can shake hands. That’s something we can believe in - not because we’re entitled to be naive, but because it actually happened.”

A coach I know said to me this week that she was struck by my deep trust and confidence that any conflict can be resolved through mediation. She’s right. I know that no matter how hopeless a breakdown seems (and I am often given the most intractable conflicts to mediate), that - if the parties are willing to give dialogue a try - I’ll be able to help them resolve the conflict and transform their relationship. I believe in this alternative to fighting and fleeing. I believe in it because I see it happen, week in and week out.

What relationships in your workplace could benefit from dialogue? How confident do you feel to courageously challenge the parties towards dialogue?

I am looking for 12 courageous leaders to join me on a 9-week journey of self-discovery and skills mastery. Early bird rate expires on 12th April; programme starts in May. Find out out more about this Courageous Leaders group coaching and mentoring programme here.

Or if you have a ‘hopeless’ conflict in your team, please get in touch. Mediation is a quick, cost-effective and transformative process. Email me here

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