"I wish they could realise that I am a human being not a function."

This longing, expressed to me by a leader in a recent team mediation, is at the heart of so many conflicts.

A deep desire to be seen, heard, understood, considered.

But it is usually hidden under layer upon layer of accusations (they treat me badly, they don't respect me, they don't care how I feel)…

There is a lot of tension in the air at the moment. One week into lockdown #2 and there are signs of pent up anger, anxiety, loss, loneliness all around. Aggressive driving, argumentative social media exchanges, impatient interactions in shops, family blow-ups.

If you are lucky enough not to be experiencing overt conflict at work, it is likely that there are conflicts brewing under the surface…

In a recent, very tough, team mediation, the tool that really unlocked change was Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a tool for compassionate, assertive communication. NVC is mostly taught as a tool for communicating a difficult message. And with good reason - it is a powerful tool for centred speaking. But its hidden power is in helping us to listen with compassion.

The senior team in question was stuck in a cycle of mistrust that felt never-ending, because everything they were hearing from each other confirmed their judgements and fears…

Just before lockdown, Dr Rachel Morris interviewed me for her brilliant 'You are not a frog' podcast about how to manage difficult conversations that arise during change, crisis and conflict. The recording is now live and our conversation is even more relevant today, as leaders navigate perpetual uncertainty and as teams figure out how to work together in our changed world…

Listen to my podcast interview with Dr Carlos Saba, co-founder of The Happy Startup School, to learn more about personality, playing to your strengths and working with difference, through the lens of the brilliant Lumina Spark psychometric. I recently coached Carlos around his Lumina portrait; in this podcast he shares insights it gave him into some of his own self-limiting beliefs as well as the paradoxes and ‘hidden treasures’ in his personality…

My 3 year old loves flowers. Yesterday I gave her some that I had found on the ground. She was so delighted - repeatedly and lovingly arranging them, smelling them, gazing at them. And then I inadvertently said something that provoked an outburst of anger and she started hysterically ripping them to shreds in protest. It was a tragi-comic moment, seeing her do something so pointless and destructive that hurt no one but herself…

The cycle of mistrust is a tragic, but common, dynamic in workplace relationships. I see it play out in most, if not all, of the workplace conflicts I mediate. It often starts with small misinterpretations but can quickly spiral out of control. How can we break the cycle? Here are some strategies I use during mediation or conflict coaching sessions, along with a story from a recent mediation…

Fear of conflict - one of Patrick Lencioni’s Five Dysfunctions of a Team. ‘Artificial harmony’ is a sign of this dysfunction. Teams develop a fear of conflict when trust is absent. Conversely, leaders who model and encourage vulnerability build a trusting environment which makes constructive conflict possible…

I was reminded recently of the power of deep listening and empathy to enable us to process our feelings. I have felt very ‘full’. Full of emotion, thoughts, ideas, hopes, worries, preoccupations, stresses, pressures, doubts, judgements (of self and others). It had been a volatile week in terms of my moods and my children’s. My six year old had started back at school . It was only after dropping him off (and my daughter at nursery) that the exhaustion caught up on me. I realised how much I have been carrying around over the last three months...

I’ve been reflecting a lot on leadership - political and business - during this pandemic. Brian Eno’s Rethink Essay on the future of leadership (on BBC Radio) compares the ‘macho, media-savvy, authoritarian’ leadership style that the countries who have suffered worst from Covid share, with the cooperative style demonstrated by (female) leaders in Germany, New Zealand and Taiwan, countries which have had much better results…

Last Saturday I sat outside for an hour while the wind gusted around me. This was a rare (if chilly) treat. No kids, no book, no radio, no journal, no coffee. I just sat there and observed what was happening around me and within me. […] I love the sunshine. But the changeable, dramatic weather we have had in the last week has better matched the volatile moods I have experienced since lockdown…