Who am I if I’m not helping? Reflections on identity from a teamless leader in lockdown

A few weeks into lockdown, I started to realise that one of the things I was finding hard was that I had no team to help through the Covid crisis. 

I am not a fan of typing when it comes to personality - our personalities are dynamic and sometimes paradoxical. Being typed can be unhelpful and self-limiting, akin to being put in a box. (I prefer trait-based psychometrics such as Lumina Spark, which allows us to embrace paradox*.) But I do make one exception - the Enneagram, an ancient model of personality that has had a resurgence in the last 100 years or so.** It has been a powerful tool for self understanding and personal growth for me. 

As an Enneagram type TWO, my focus is often on helping others and trying to meet their needs. So leading and supporting teams through crisis is something that comes naturally. I feel comfortable sitting with strong emotion in others and I enjoy empowering people to work out their psychological needs - and how to satisfy them - in tough times. This is one of the many reasons I love both mediating conflicts and managing people.

This longing to help people through the current crisis was painful at first as I felt powerless. Stuck at home, self employed, team-less. It was as if my wings had been clipped. And on top of that, my planned team facilitation and mediation projects were put on hold due to Covid-19. 

In response, I quickly found my voice on LinkedIn. I channelled my need to help outwards to other leaders and their teams, sharing tips and advice on building resilient teams and leading courageously. But this alone didn’t quell the identity wobble I was becoming increasingly aware of.

Henri Nouwen described three lies we believe about our identity: I am what I have, I am what I do, and I am what other people say or think about me. The first has rarely shaped my sense of identity, but the second and third are traps I easily fall into. My role has usually defined my sense of identity (this is usually how I introduce myself), as has my perception of how others perceive me (as helpful or empathic for example).

For so many people, Covid-19 has stripped us bare of these usual identity trappings. Some have lost their jobs completely, most ‘have’ less in terms of income or stuff. And the loss of close face-to-face contact with others has made it harder to know what others say or think of us. This can be deeply exposing as we can no longer hide behind these often comforting, sometimes damaging, identity constructs. 

I needed to muster the courage to look inwards. To reflect on what my identity is if I’m not in a leadership role. To peek behind the mask of personality that I think we all wear. To look honestly at what compels me to help others, and often neglect my own needs in the process. To wonder what helping myself might mean in these uncertain times. To face feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, even loneliness, that are masked by my usual busy-ness in helping others. I have been reminded of the importance of connecting first to myself. That it is only through self knowledge and self acceptance that we can build meaningful connections with others. 

So much of my work as a mediator, coach and facilitator is about empowering people to understand, accept (without shame) and then find ways to meet their psychological needs in their relationships at work. It is ironically very hard for Enneagram TWOs to do this for themselves. What were the needs driving my desire to be leading a team during lockdown? To be able to contribute, to belong, to have a common purpose with others, to be able to support others, to collaborate. 

Uncovering my psychological needs has helped me to start to redefine my identity (as a human being who doesn’t need to be helping all the time, for example). It has also helped me to see and be grateful for the ‘teams’ I am already part of - mutually supportive and collaborative networks of like-minded people in my business community.

How has your sense of identity been shaped by what you have, what you do or by how others perceive you? How has this sense of identity been affected by the current crisis?

How could you connect with yourself more before lockdown is fully lifted? What do you most need at this time, from your work and relationships?

Who is your team? If you don’t have one in the traditional sense, what wider business networks could you tap into? 

If you would like coaching and/or mentoring to explore your identity, personality or purpose, I’d love to help - drop me an email at beccie@couragelab.co  

*Get in touch if you would like to learn more about the Lumina Spark psychometric and get your own ‘portrait’.

**You can discover more about the Enneagram here.